While all of my posts pertain to things that I want my kids to know, this post is going to be more personal than many of my previous posts. This week, I need my children to know my thoughts and feelings regarding babies, eternal families, and miscarriages.
For several years, we’ve known as a family that there were children missing from our family. As we gathered the kids to go somewhere, we’d look at each other and ask who was missing and then count heads. Eventually we accepted that these feelings were promptings that children were missing, so we started the adoption process.
After nearly two frustrating years of little to no progress toward adoption, we decided to see if God wanted us to add to our family by pregnancy. About six months later, we were so very excited when we found out that we were pregnant. Now Momma’s not old, but let’s just say that she’s not exactly in the average child-bearing age range.
Within a week of hearing the heartbeat of the new baby, we got a text out of the blue from someone in Salt Lake City. It seems they had found our profile on Adoption.com (which had seen virtually no activity in over a year) and felt prompted that we were the right family for a child they knew needed a home.
I won’t go through that whole process now (mainly because it’s still not finished). It felt like we finally found our answer…we were going to adopt a child and have a child, then our family would finally be complete.
Mom discovered at her regular 16-week checkup this week, that our baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. One week after we heard the heartbeat, that little heart stopped beating.
I had so many questions swirling around in my head, the biggest of which was why God would bless us with a baby, only to have that baby die before it was ever born?
Like so many people today, I turned to the Internet to try to make sense of what was happening to my family. Here’s what I learned during those searches:
- The Prophets have spoken regarding still born children. They are to be recorded on Family Group Records. If the parents have been sealed in the Temple, then these children are considered as “Born in the Covenant” and require no further ordinances in order to go to the Celestial Kingdom.
- The question of when life begins is not understood: some believe life begins at conception, some when the heart beats, some during the “quickening” and others believe it begins at birth. There are a whole host of other possibilities that I won’t dive into.
- Miscarriages happen all the time…a lot more frequently than we even realize. Most of them occur before the mother even realizes she’s pregnant and are thought of a late, heavy period.
- It is difficult to communicate the emotions felt due to a miscarriage
Now for my opinion on the matter. Let me start with the principle of eternal families. Heavenly Father placed men and women on this Earth so they could become a couple which would “multiply, and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28). This is the first commandment given to Adam and Eve and it has never been revoked. We are also told that we are to have joy (2 Nephi 2:25). As I’ve said in another post, families are meant to be eternal. It would be a cruel and unjust God who let us fall in love and and create a family, only to be told it couldn’t be forever.
“For all old things shall pass away, and all things shall become new, even the heaven and the earth, and all the fulness thereof, both men and beasts, the fowls of the air, and the fishes of the sea; And not one hair, neither mote, shall be lost, for it is the workmanship of mine hand.” (D&C 29:24-25). Surely a baby in the womb is counted in the phrase “all things.”
“For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them” (Psalm 139:14-16).
Not much has been said on the topic of miscarriages. Perhaps this is part of the discussion of when life begins. Suffice it to say, that I believe the doctrine taught regarding stillborn children can also apply to miscarriages. (Tears in Heaven)
I likewise find it difficult to believe that God would bless my wife with a baby…allowing us to get our hopes up of building our family, only to be told that it was a false alarm…a practice run…a mistake. That doesn’t make sense with the God I understand my Heavenly Father to be.
I don’t have the answers, but I have hope and faith. I have faith in a loving Father in Heaven who hears and answers my prayers. I have hope in a future that includes this child so recently departed from this earthly sphere.
A good friend shared this thought with me:
I know He has provided a plan for us, a plan of eternal salvation that gives assurance of happy reunions and endless relationships. I also share your hope that you will not only see your baby again, but you…will be able to hold him tenderly in your arms.
We do have a Father in Heaven who loves us very much. Through the Plan of Salvation, He has provided a Savior, Jesus Christ, to atone for all our sins, our pains, our sadness, and our grief. This doesn’t remove these feelings from us–we still have to travel this mortal life on our own–but it does allow us to lean on someone when we feel overwhelmed. We can always know that Jesus Christ is there, ready to support us. “The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art though greater than he?” (D&C 121:8). When we feel that no one understands what we are feeling, we can take comfort in knowing that Jesus Christ knows exactly how we are feeling.
I’m grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves me and my little family. I don’t understand why this challenge is ours to face, but I know that “all these things shall give [me] experience and shall be for [my] good” (D&C 121:7).